Ground Rules For a Safe Group
Sara Perry, June 2020
Research has been done on what invites people to feel safe and supported in
groups. My ground rules are based on what has been proven to create and
maintain safe, supportive groups.
The following characters or roles that show up in any of us and speak out while we
are together will be asked to Stop talking, Step back, and Stay quiet:
Fixers, Rescuers, Advisors, Correctors.
Parker Palmer’s “Circle of Trust Touchstones for Safe and Trustworthy Space”:
• “Speak your truth in ways that respect other people’s truth. Our views of
reality may differ, but speaking one’s truth in a circle of trust does not mean
interpreting, correcting or debating what others say. Speak from your center
to the center of the circle, using “I” statements, trusting people to do their
own sifting and winnowing.”
• “No fixing, saving, advising or correcting each other. This is one of the
hardest guidelines for those of us who like to “help.” But it is vital to
welcoming the soul, to making space for the inner teacher.”
• “Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions. Do not respond
with counsel or corrections. Using honest, open questions helps us “hear
each other into deeper speech.”
• “Observe deep confidentiality. Safety is built when we can trust that our
words and stories will remain with the people with whom we choose to
share, and are not repeated to others without our permission.”
• “Know that it’s possible to leave the circle with whatever it was that you
needed when you arrived, and that the seeds planted here can keep growing
in the days ahead.”
If you are not already familiar with Parker Palmer, I’m happy to introduce him. He
is the author of nine books that have reached millions world-wide. He is a speaker
on the topics of education, community, leadership, social change, and spirituality.
He is the founder of - and directs - the Center for Courage and Renewal in
Madison, Wisconsin. There he and his colleagues do retreats and circles of trust
and they thoroughly train others to do likewise. His most recent book (2011),
which is very relevant for our current times, is Healing the Heart of Democracy:
The Courage to Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit.
I will be focusing on Fixers, Rescuers, Advisors, and Correctors, who usually show
up in people in our culture and take charge when someone is hurting or vulnerable
in some way. I also want to say something about Conveyors, who disclose to
people outside of the group what someone has said in trust within the group.
Fixers, Rescuers, Advisors, and Correctors
How will we know these characters if they show up in someone in the group?
Fixers convert in their minds what someone is sharing about their experience into
something broken that needs to be fixed. And lucky for them, the Fixer steps
forward with a toolbox ready to get to work. Fixers usually start by giving advice,
which is talked about below.
Rescuers convert in their minds what someone is sharing about their experience
into a helpless person that needs to be saved. And lucky for them, the Rescuer has
heard their cries for help and is swooping down to save them.
One image that comes to mind is the cartoon character, Mighty Mouse. On
Saturday mornings when I was a child, I saw many Mighty Mouse cartoons. “Here
I Come To Save the Day!”
Now you might ask, “Well, what’s wrong with Mighty Mouse?
He was a Good Guy. He was always coming in the nick of time
to save people in dangerous situations, like the helpless girl or woman tied onto the
railroad tracks with a train quickly approaching or the innocent and undefended
talking animals about to be eaten by the wolves.”
Yes, and in those real-life dangerous situations, his talents for rescuing were
needed. But no one in this group is helpless or needs rescuing from their thoughts
or feelings or from the life situation they are feeling scared, mad, or sad about.
They may need help from others when they’re out in the world to manage a life
situation but not now, not here. And they have not asked for help or for help from
you, specifically.
Telling us what their situation is, how they are being impacted by it, what they are
thinking about it or how they are feeling about it does not equal asking us to swoop
in and rescue them.
Advisors believe that they know what you should do to make things better for you.
And lucky for you, they are stepping forward and telling you what to do.
Correctors believe that if they could only change the way you are thinking about a
situation or if they could only change the way you are feeling about a situation, or
both, they could make it better. And lucky for you, the Corrector is stepping
forward and setting you straight, telling you that you should not be thinking that,
you should be thinking this, you should not be feeling that, you should be feeling
this.
Conveyors
When we are not together in this group, I ask that Conveyors (of shared
information) Stay back and Stay quiet if they feel tempted to show up and spill the
beans to someone outside the group. Everything that has been shared in trust by us
in the group is only for our ears and is not to be conveyed to anyone outside the
group. Knowing that what we have shared in the group will not be revealed
outside the group will help us to feel safe and secure.
The Grief Police
(These are fixers, rescuers, advisors, and/or correctors who show up and speak out
in the context of being with someone who is grieving a loss)
In the Spring 2013 edition of the quarterly journal of the American Association of
Hospice and Palliative Medicine (AAHPM), my article “The Grief Police” was
published in the Art of Caring feature. I have attached it for you to read if you
would like. It has good examples of the kinds of things that Fixers, Rescuers,
Advisors, and Correctors say to people who are grieving a loss.
My understanding of how to be with a person who is grieving a loss was
influenced in part by The Companioning Philosophy of Dr. Alan Wolfelt, author,
trainer, educator and director of the Center for Loss and Transition in Fort Collins,
Colorado. Dr. Wolfelt’s Tenants for Companioning the Bereaved are below:
Dr. Wolfelt’s Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved
Companioning is about…
1. Being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.
2. Going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about
thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.
3. Honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect.
4. Listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
5. Bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing
these struggles.
6. Walking alongside; it is not about leading.
7. Discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling up every
moment with words.
8. Being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
9. Respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.
10. Learning from others; it is not about teaching them.
11. Compassionate curiosity; it is not about expertise.
A compassionate, caring, curious Companion.
That is what I am asking you to be for one another in this class. Someone who
“sits beside [someone who is hurting inside] on the mourning bench”, to use
Nicholas Wolterstoff’s words in my Grief Police article. Someone who walks
beside, not in front of, someone who is hurting or making themselves vulnerable in
some way.
So if your internal Fixers, Rescuers, Advisors, or Correctors step forward and start
talking to someone in this group, please tell them to Stop talking, Step Back, and
Stay Quiet. Ask your internal Caring Companion to step forward and to graciously
receive what someone is saying, mostly quietly, with the intent to understand and
empathize with what they’re sharing.
It’s fine to ask open questions. (Open question: How do you feel about staying at
home? Closed question: Don’t you just hate staying at home?).
If someone in the group truly wants your advice and is specifically asking you for
it, then that’s fine. Solicited advice is fine (but do keep in mind this is not a
problem-solving group). It’s unsolicited advice I’m asking you to refrain from.
But don’t worry. If you can’t stop your internal Fixers, Rescuers, Advisors, or
Correctors in time, I will stop them, ask them to stay back and stay quiet. (By
staying quiet, I don’t mean for the rest of the class session, I just mean for now. As
in your turn for speaking now is up.)
No blame. No shame. We’ve been culturally conditioned to give advice, fix,
correct, and rescue. For some of us, it is our default mode of responding to
someone. But it is possible to unlearn it and replace it with the skill of holding a
compassionate space for someone. If I could unlearn fixing, advice-giving,
correcting, and rescuing and replace them with being present for someone, you can
too.